This one is to the young men out there. The guys who are the guy I used to be. I was young once. Arguably, I’m still young (ask my fiance’). I’ve held a tenacious grip on my youth. I want to remember the feelings, good, bad and otherwise. At times I’ve held onto the bad so tightly it has caused blood to flow from my palms. I thought I needed the scars, I needed the punishment. I wasn’t worthy. I thought my bad deeds made me a bad person, rotten to the core.
I stand here a sinner, repentant, still struggling and letting the wounds heal on my hands. At this very moment there are about 4 remnants of many more scars. Actual scars from real punishment met by hands beating on a canvas bag. Being 34 and born-again doesn’t make this life any easier or the struggles and tempations any easier to overcome. Ironically, I think the enemy is fighting harder and I’m tempted more often now than I was when I was lost.
Temptation abounds. I am scared for you, the guy who is the guy who I used to be. I know you’re out there. I have known some of you that have lost your battles. I pray that you were able to find His grace in your life and ask for forgiveness. I pray that we will meet on the other side of this life.
Temptation is easy if you’re willing to buy into the lie. When everything else feels out of control, when noone else wants you, when everyone is judging you, it’s painfully easy to lock the door and turn to something you think gives you control. Drugs, alchohol, pornography, lust. Pick your poison, choose your weapon, spin the chamber, pull the trigger and see if it goes “BOOM!” If not then you’ve won to play another day. OR, are you one step closer to losing?? How much further is the edge and just how far will you walk before it ends??
It’s just looking, right? You’re not actually DOING anything, right?? It’s just once, what can that hurt? Just one more hit, you’re totally in control. Right? Please? Right? HELP!
That hole is deep and wide. It’s a wound that doesn’t want to heal. It’s gaping, seaping, bleeding and no matter what you throw in the blood doesn’t stop flowing. It’s on your hands, on your clothes, on the floor. The room becomes a seas of red. The current sweeps you away. Quick, fill it faster, more, more, more more moremoremoremore!!
I know the feeling. Trust me. I’ve been there. I’ve done that. I struggle daily. I love my fiance’ with a powerful and Godly love, I have a holy lust that is unrivaled by anything I’ve ever felt before. However, this doesn’t preclude me from having an unholy lust that wants to lead me down paths that risk permanently ruining our relationship. I’m sure the enemy would want nothing more for together were are a fortress. So he wants to divide, NEEDS to divide if he wants to conquer. I see with the eyes of a man and frequently must ask the Lord to help me see with holy eyes. I see, I love and I lust and in those moments I know I need to fall to my knees and thank our Father for creating such a beautiful and loving creature. I need to praise Him for placing her in my life, for being the conduit through which the Spirit reached me. But sometimes, when I fall to my knees, I’m doing anything but being thankful. There are times when my mouth says “Oh God” and it’s not speaking in prayer.
And I repent. I let go of the barbed wire, I stop the bleeding. I ask for forgiveness and strength. I don’t let the enemy tear me down any further. God is love. I return and ask for forgiveness and in return he gives me his embrace. The hole is no longer empty. It spills over with God’s love for me and the room is no longer covered in red. The flood covers my beloved and the currents will carry us to the altar.
So, sons of Adam, let go, turn it over and when temptation strikes do not let “right now” ruin tomorrow. The current is strong, the blood flows and the pain almost becomes like pleasure. But it’s a lie. You cannot embrace true love with dirty hands. However, you can find truth. Start by being honest with yourself. Then look into that chasm in your heart and ask Christ to cleanse you, fulfill you. Let Him make a promise to the face you see in the mirror. Then take note as your hands are clean.
If you find your hands dirty and are struggling to be clean here are some resources that I’ve found helpful:
13 Ways to Ruin Your Life (blog for the book)
Re:Lit | Porn Again Christian (eBook)
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